Last year around the beginning of August, I started seeing blog posts pop up about National Breastfeeding Awareness Month – posts full of breastfeeding tips & tricks, breastfeeding essentials, and heartwarming stories of the bond between mother and child due to breastfeeding. As I read through post after post on my favorite blogs, I had this sinking feeling. While the posts were supposed to be supportive and inspirational, they had the exact opposite affect on me. I chalked it up to hormones.
But here I am, it’s August and I’m having these feelings all over again. And this time, I’m not pregnant, so I can’t blame it on hormones.
Let me be absolutely clear in saying that I’m not against National Breastfeeding Awareness Month in the slightest. In fact, I fully support it. Breastfeeding moms need all the tips, tricks, essentials, and inspiration that they can find. Because as natural as it is, breastfeeding is hard work. And I do think that breastfeeding in public should be normalized. Breastfeeding moms shouldn’t be banned from Facebook, Instagram, malls, or anywhere else. Breastfeeding should be encouraged and moms who breastfeed should be supported. Period.
It’s just that something about August and the buzz about Breastfeeding Awareness Month highlights my failure – my personal failure when it comes to breastfeeding.
You see, I breastfed my first child for a two weeks. Those weeks were filled with frustration – frustration over using a nipple shield, frustration regarding my supply, and frustration over the pain. My baby cried constantly. I cried a lot too. I visited the hospital lactation consultant multiple times after I was discharged from my initial hospital stay, but I could never quite replicate what we did in our sessions at home. On my third visit to the lactation consultant, she casually mentioned the pain I was experiencing would probably last another 8 weeks or so. And then she dropped the bomb that I probably would never be able to wean from the nipple shield. That was it. I was done. So done. And I quit.
My decision. I don’t regret it. Well, not really…
I pumped for about 5 months after that, at which point I could no longer handle the reaction that I was having to my breast pump. My breasts felt like they were on fire 50% of the time and had electric currents running through them the other 50% of the time. I actually thought it was normal until I mentioned it to our very pro-breastfeeding pediatrician, who assured me it was not. She diagnosed me as having an allergy to my pump (latex, nickel, or some component in it) and urged me to stop. We never found out what my allergy was, but I know that I felt a sense of both relief and failure when I finally quit pumping. The relief felt so good; the failure stung worse than the electric currents I was experiencing.
Despite these issues, I continued to pump for both Hazeline and Everett when they were born. It was never a question that I would. With Hazeline, I once again experienced an allergy to the pump (new pump, hospital grade), but kept pumping. It was torture. And a little piece of me was actually relieved when Everett rejected my milk. I’ve never admitted that to anyone.
People have told me I didn’t try hard enough to breastfeed. That I didn’t have enough dedication. That I didn’t have the right guidance.
And maybe they’re right. I don’t know. All I know is that I, personally, feel a sense of failure when it comes to breastfeeding. I hate the fact that I felt like a better, more sane mom when I stopped breastfeeding/pumping. A part of me still feels self-conscious when I answer the question, “Did you breastfeed?”. And even now, after 3 children, I feel the need to justify my use of formula. I know for many this all seems very silly, especially since my kids are all healthy and thriving, but the guilt is very much present for me. Right here, right now.
So while I’m in no way against National Breastfeeding Awareness Month, a little bit of it stings. It brings all these feelings to the surface. My self-conscious tendencies and insecurities come out, no matter how hard I try to harness them. I see my friend Lily from Lilyta Photography posting absolutely gorgeous photos on her Facebook Page of moms and babies in serene moments of breastfeeding bliss and I think, “Why not me?”. I see bloggers posting tips and tricks with respect to breastfeeding and I think, “Why didn’t they work for me?”. And I see inspirational posts, and can’t help but think, “Why didn’t I try harder?”.
Over the past 5 years, I’ve become a fairly confident in my parenting skills and decisions…I just don’t feel that way in August.
I absolutely love this post! I am 100% supportive of any breast feeding mom’s in public! A baby has to eat! And I’m not one to tell you they should eat in a dirty bathroom. However in today’s world it feels if you cant/don’t breastfeed your wrong and a bad or lazy mom. I didn’t make a single drop with my first son. With my second I made enough to give him small snacks for 3 days then I dried up. I actually had one mom that was breastfeeding in a mall watch me make my son’s bottle when he was a week old. And told me I should be ashamed for neglecting my child and should grow up and be less lazy. It broke my heart. I wanted to bf him, but physically couldn’t. Your post made me feel normal. And that I’m not a failure in any way. So as supportive as I am with breastfeeding I’m also 100% supportive of formula feeding!