On Tuesday when I dropped the girls off at school, Hazeline’s teacher pulled me aside and told me that she had something for me – a birthday invitation from one of the other little girls in her class. My initial thought was one of surprise, the birthday party circuit normally slows down a bit over the summer due to vacations and the heat, but I knew that we would attend because my kids are suckers for a party. The teacher then went on to say that this is going to be one epic party – the family has rented out a local zoo-type of establishment, and there will be animal shows, bounce houses, music, and a ton of food. In other words, one hell of a toddler party.
But as I reached for the invitation, I realized that there was only one name on it – Hazeline.
And then the dread set in. Only one of my children was invited to the party. One of my children was not. I might be able to get away with going to a party with just Greenleigh, since Hazeline is still young (although she loves to party), but going with just Hazeline? No way. Greenleigh’s going to know that Hazeline went to a party without her. And I’m going to have to explain to Greenleigh that she couldn’t go. She’ll be heartbroken. As I checked out the date of the party on the invite, there was already a pit in my stomach. I was suddenly dreading this party. How am I going to explain that to her?
When it came to our girls’ birthday parties, we adopted a “more the merrier” philosophy. We wanted to make sure that everyone was included – siblings, cousins, grandparents, anyone that they need or wanted to bring with them was welcome. And although I internally groaned a little bit when one mom asked me if she could bring her other 4 children to Greenleigh’s party this year, the only words that came out of my mouth were, “Yes! Of course!”, because I never wanted anyone to be in the situation I’m in right now.
But I understand that can’t always be the case. Especially when it’s being held at an outside venue instead of a home – places like that charge big bucks for each and every child that attends a birthday party. And I know all too well that even the simplest of simple parties can quickly get out of control when it comes to money. Cake, food, favors, entertainment, it all ads up. Quickly. And while the economy is getting better, it still kind of sucks and there are families out there struggling. Who am I to add to their expenses by bringing a child that wasn’t on their original guest list?
And this is particularly sticky situation because it’s the younger of my children that was invited. It’s not like it’s a baby that I’m bringing along in a baby carrier or a younger sibling where I can just ask if they can tag along but not participate. Greenleigh will make her presence known.
It’s not as if people don’t know that Hazeline has a sister. That’s pretty common knowledge at the school and in the past all the invitations we’ve received have had both of their names on them (or been intentionally left blank). And yet as I sit here and write this, I’m pretty sure that I only wrote the name of the child from her class that we were inviting, which I suppose left it up to the individual parent to ask if they could bring more people. Does that make it my move?
So help a mom out… If you have two (or more kids) how do you handle it if one gets invited to a party and the other doesn’t? And how do you handle the hurt feelings that may result? Do you just not attend? Is is socially acceptable to ask to bring your other child/children? How do you handle the expense for the additional children?
I just have the one that’s invited go. My kids are older now (12, 15, 16, 18 & 21) and there were often times that we had more family parties, but occasionally a child wants their “own” thing… and that’s not bad. Its okay for kids to learn that everything isn’t about them, and that this can open up their eyes to be excited for a sibling or give them some time with other siblngs/parents uninterrupted by the other one.
It is socially unacceptable to invite yourself or your children to an activity. It is also rude to put the host on the spot by asking if they can bring an extra guest or sibling. I also wonder what we are teaching our kids when we give them the idea that they are always to be included in everything . That just is not always the case. Take the one to the party and take the other out for some time with Mommy. She will be fine.
Here’s the thing, there is no good answer for your kids’ ages. When they get older you can give them the “it’s not all about you, when your friends have parties she doesn’t get to go”, etc., etc. At this age, you can’t have this conversation. Since the people in your school are fairly close (and well aware that you have two children), I don’t think it would be inappropriate to ask if Greenleigh could attend as well. If you have “mommy guilt”, offer to pay for Greenleigh’s participation. I understand money is tight and that’s true, but if they are throwing an enormous event for a toddler, I don’t think it’ll be an issue. Your other option; leave Greenleigh to play with us for the afternoon, we’d love to have her. 🙂
I am fairly new to the birthday circuit. When I invited Ella’s classmates, it only occurred to me to write the name of the classmate on the envelope. That said, I did have people ask to bring sibs, and that was completely ok. However, this party was at home. It is a tricky situation. And eventually they probably won’t want to go to each others friends parties. Since it is at a place, I might not ask. I think it might be time to teach Greenleigh that sometimes, she can’t be included. But, maybe have something else that is fabulous for her to do that day?
I wouldn’t hesitate to ask if both children can attend and offer to pay for one if there is cost associated. I am assuming that your children are young enough that you would stay with them at the party, not just drop them off.