A few weeks ago I was walking Maddie early one morning and something jogged my college memories. I’m not sure exactly what it was – a sight, a smell, a sound, or maybe it was just that it was so early and I was so tired that my mind was prone to wander – but suddenly I was transported back and reliving memories of 17 years ago (eek…did I really start college 17 years ago? Say it ain’t so.). I thought about how carefree I used to be, how rested I felt, and how we would go out until all hours only to return home in the wee hours of the morning, sleep away most of the day, to wake up and do it all over again. Good times. And then for some reason I though, “Hmm…I wonder if I’ll ever reminisce about this time like I do about my time in college?”. It was a very basic thought that hit me like a ton of bricks.
Yeah I know, so many people are all too quick to tell you to enjoy every minute of it. I almost physically cringe when strangers approach me in public just to share this piece of wisdom with me. Really? Dirty diapers, sleepless nights, tantrums, and the total inability to eat at a fancy restaurant or go to a movie without paying a sitter an arm and a leg (on top of what you’re already spending for the dinner/movie)? Not reminisce-worthy in my book. Not by a long shot. This parenting thing is hard.
But then I looked around at our lives lately. Sure, it’s chaos – complete chaos that will no doubt be amplified come October when baby #3 arrives – but amdist that chaos is a pretty wonderful life filled with hugs, afternoons in the pool, birthday parties, Disney trips, smiles, family visits, weekend barbecues, friends, and so, so much more. We are infinitely blessed and it’s impossible to ignore. Moreover, I don’t want to ignore it.
I tried to move on about my day, but the thought I’d just had on my walk with Maddie kinda shook me. The thought that these might actually be days that I reminisce about later in life, sat and festered in my brain for days. I couldn’t even wrap my head around it. Better yet, I could no longer reminisce about “the good old days” (i.e. – the days of college, law school, and before kids) the way I did before. It seemed kinda…I don’t know…weird.
And then as I was watching The Office series finale, I heard a quote that seemed to sum it all up for me. A quote that made complete and utter sense:
I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you actually left them. Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)
Embarrassing how a sitcom finale put it more succinctly than I ever could. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, or just that it seemed to fit so perfectly in the way that I’d been feeling lately, but I just about choked back tears when he said it. After days of reflection following my walk with Maddie there’s no doubt in my mind that these are the good old days. Not a doubt at all. And I want to live each and every single one of them to the fullest before they are gone, because the truth is, that these days will be gone – someday. There’s no pause button. There’s no stop button.
So where am I going with this? Well, you may or may not know it, but I had a birthday on Saturday. And since I’m not a woman who has ever been ashamed or embarrassed of her age, I’m totally okay with telling you that I turned 35. 
I’m not sure if it’s my own little mid-life crisis, but I’m entering this year – my 35th year – differently than I have any other year. Suddenly, I don’t want to be in any other phase or time of my life. And the truth is, there have been times where I wanted to go backwards instead of forward. Where I’ve wanted to go back and live in another time because it was easier…because it was comfortable. I mean, doesn’t everyone have that time that they look back on and only see the positive? Doesn’t everyone have that time in their life that was so fabulous that they want to go back and live it all over again just to soak up all the awesome-ness that they may not have truly appreciated the first time around?
But that’s not how life works.
Yes, there will be days when I pray for the girls’ 8pm bedtime to come quickly. Yes, there will be days when I wish the girls would just move through the shriek-y/tantrum-y/attitude-y days and just be done with it already. And yes, there will be more dirty diapers than I know what to do with, especially come October. But for what might be the first time in a long time, I’m exactly where I want to be. I don’t want to live or re-live any other time than this one. And I want to live it to the fullest, because this is the good stuff.
I’m only 3 days into it, but I’m loving 35.
