Where is that mommy handbook when you need it?

Early last week, I was getting Greenleigh ready for bed when she suddenly looked up at me and said, “Mommy, Brandon said he’s not my friend.”  Ugh.  There’s been a lot of this in my house lately.  “Raylee isn’t my friend”, “Gavin says we aren’t friends”, so-and-so doesn’t like me anymore…  I know these are Earth-shattering updates for her, but I just can’t keep up.  Plus, 5 seconds after she runs into school the next morning all is well again.  I guess they “break up” around 4pm, only to reconcile around 9am the next day, right in time for school.

Like I always do, I attempted to soothe her concerns.  “Of course, Brandon is your friend, honey.  Sometimes people say silly things.  I’m sure first thing tomorrow, you guys will be friends again.”  Normally, that does the trick, but this time she was insistent.

“No mommy, he says we are not friends.”  She kind of stuttered when she said it, which made me look up from the pile of pajamas that I had been going through on her dresser.  I realized her eyes were filled with sadness and confusion.  The look alone made my heart shatter into a million pieces.

She then followed up with, “He says he doesn’t like me.”  It was at that point that the little tiny pieces of my heart shattered again.  And the 2 million pieces of my heart that were now located in the pit in my stomach made me ill.

I had the sudden urge to hunt Brandon down.  Why would he say such a thing to my child?  Why wouldn’t he want to be her friend?  I wanted answers.  I wanted to force him to take back what he had said and demand he be her friend.  No wait – her best friend.  Who goes around declaring who they are and aren’t friends with anyway?

Of course, in retrospect, I can’t necessarily say I blame him – Greenleigh isn’t a good listener, does whatever she wants regardless of other people’s wishes, and often pushes others down if they are in the path of a lollipop with her name on it.  Not exactly the traits you look for in a friend.  And I’m guessing that Brandon is in the age range of 3-5 years old, so declaring who is and isn’t your friend is probably pretty par for the course.  But my Mama Bear instinct had kicked in and I couldn’t possibly imagine why Greenleigh wouldn’t be the perfect candidate to be his friend.  In that moment I could only see her good qualities.  Mommy goggles, I suppose.

So, how do I explain to her that sometimes people just don’t want to be your friend?  How do I tell her that you can like someone, but they might not like you back?  They don’t teach that in any of your pre-baby parenting classes, or on the hospital tour, or even in any of those mommy & me classes you go to after your child is born.  In that silence filled room, it was painfully apparent that there’s no mommy handbook to help you deal with these issues which will no doubt arise.  I was flying solo.

And unfortunately, I know that this is only the beginning.  Kids can be cruel and say horrible things.  It probably won’t get easier as she gets older.  Have you ever seen an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen?  Those kids are insanely cruel when inviting (and un-inviting) people to their parties.  And even as an adult, friendships can be complicated.  Friends, sometimes even your best friends, will sometimes decide that they no longer want to be your friend.  Relationships grow, and change, and evolve.  Distance gets in the way.  Obligations get in the way.  Life gets in the way.  Other times friends just don’t want to stick around.  And sometimes you weren’t as close as you thought.  We’re light years away from that stage in her life, but I suddenly panicked.  I can’t explain these things to myself, how do I explain them to her?  How do I sit and watch it happen?  How do I resist my Mama Bear instincts to hunt down and demand answers from those that hurt her feelings?

Instead, I picked up the pieces of my heart and we talked about the friends that she does have.  We talked about birthday parties, playdates, and all the fun stuff she does at school.  Name by name, we went through all of her friends.  And the list was long.  Very long.  By the time I tucked her in, there was no more talk of Brandon or anyone else that didn’t want to be her friend.  Thank goodness.

I seriously need to get my hands on that ever-elusive mommy handbook.