My mom is retiring this year, and all she can talk about is spending more time with her grandkids. She’s constantly showing me things that she is collecting for the summers when Greenleigh and Hazeline come to visit her. And although she hasn’t come out and said it, I know that she expects these visits to be a special time between her and her granddaughters…in other words, I’m not on the invite list. She hasn’t asked me to send the girls up to her house for a vacation yet, but I know that day is coming and I’m not sure how I’m going to react when it does. At what age do you start sending your kids to grandmas’ on their own?
Let me be clear, I’m not talking about the girls spending a day or two at grandma’s house without me. That’s a short period of time, and I feel totally comfortable with that. But when we start talking about sending the kids for a week or more, I get a little nervous. That’s a long time. For me at least.
It’s not that I don’t want my kids to spend extended periods of time with their grandparents, because, it’s really quite the contrary. Some of my best memories as a kid were when my parents drove me to my Grandma’s house and left me there. It was a special time between just the two of us. I treasure those memories. I want those types of memories for my kids. I want grandma’s house to be a home away from home for my kids – a place where they feel safe, special, and loved. I just question when those memories are supposed to begin.
Last summer I was shocked when many of my friends packed up their 2 & 3 year olds and sent them to stay with their grandparents for a week or more. I remember seeing the flurry of Facebook status updates from their parents about how they missed their kids and hoped that they were having a wonderful time. My initial feeling was jealousy over the sleep that they must be getting with their kids being away for a week, but when I pushed past that, I questioned whether 2 or 3 was just a little too young to have their child so far away from home (many of these grandparents lived in other states, and in one case they were clear on the other side of the country). But their kids were around the same age as Greenleigh and I couldn’t help but wonder if this is something that we are supposed to do as parents. Am I missing the boat on this one? Am I depriving her of a special time to bond with her grandparents?
At this time last year, Greenleigh had just turned two years old and was starting to communicate, although 90% of the time we had no idea what she was saying. Because communication was difficult, so was her behavior. Her tantrums were out of control and I questioned whether her grandparents could handle her. Hell, I could barely handle her. But this year, Greenleigh is 3 and it’s a whole new ball game. She can communicate what she likes and dislikes. She can communicate when she wants to talk to someone on the phone or on Skype. Her behavior is still not the best, but she’s manageable. Sometimes. And it doesn’t hurt that she’s nearly 100% potty trained (during the day).
But what about Hazeline? Hazeline is only a year old and getting in to everything. She’s starting to tantrum in small doses and far from potty trained. In general, she’s a pretty easy baby, but the idea of handing her over (even to her grandparents) for a week just seems wrong. I mean, she should be older, right? Or would it be cruel to send Greenleigh away without her sister?
So people of the blogosphere – What do you think? Do you think 2 or 3 years old is too young to pack them up and send them off to Grandma’s house for a week? Or is that normal? What if Grandma’s house is in another state or clear across the country? Or does that matter? Do you think siblings should go to Grandma’s together or is it okay for one to go without the other? I’d love to know what you think!
This is just my thoughts….yes, I think they should both be older. I don’t know how old and in what health your parents are in, but I know that in our case there is no way that any of the grandparents could keep up with my son day in and day out for a week. Their health just won’t let them. I am sure that your girls are busier than my son is and I have a hard time keeping up with him. I don’t think it would be horrible to let Greenleigh go alone in a year or two. Just my thoughts. I enjoy reading your blog! Have a great night!
I think it depends, on a few things. The age of the grandparents definitely factors in. If they are older, they may think they are able to chase after a 3 year old for a week, but not actually be able to do it. Do they already spend a lot of time with your children? Or are they the type of grandparents that see them on Holidays, if then? Personally, my oldest boys started spending the weekends with grandma at 1.5 and 3, because my ex and I were separated and legally he wasn’t allowed to have them unsupervised. But, this also opened a whole nother can of worms, because then she wanted them for the entire summer as they got a little older, which cuts into me spending time with them. Really, you know your kids, and you know your parents, so you are the best judge as to whether they are old enough to spend time there without you, and how much of it you think would be best. If the grandparents live close, you could try it for 2-3 nights and see how it works out. It may be fine, or your 3 year old may be calling you the same day wanting to come home. Sorry, I don’t think I was much help 🙂
For us, I let my daughter spend the night with my mom starting at age 2 and a half or so. I don’t think she’ll be spending more than a night until she’s 4 or so. It’s hard with the splitting the siblings up thing, I guess I’ll have to face that problem when we have more kids!
My little one will be two this weekend and I think it’s too young to spend extended periods of time away from her parents. Now in our case there are a couple of factors to consider. One, we have a very attached little girl who has never spent a night away from at least one of us and the other factor is that the Grandma who would most love to have her, although I lover her dearly, I simply don’t trust her ability to care for her for even a day, let alone several. When she is older yes but she’s still a toddler and needs a more watchful eye.
I believe that at age 6 its okay to let the children spend extended periods of time away from their parents.
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I just stumbled upon this looking for an answer to the same question! My children are 3.5 and my mother (who is relatively young and in good health wants to keep the kids for two weeks this summer before they transition to a new “school.” I work full-time and don’t have the vacation days to spend with them, but I know they would have a blast since she lives at the beach and they would enjoy having a true summer experience and would get a break from full-time childcare. They did one week last year and it seemed to be just fine and I talked to them on skype everyday. This year they are more cognizant of time and how to communicate which could be a good or bad thing – good in that they can talk on the phone and understand skype, bad that they can also understand missing us and wanting to go home! I had decided that we were in, but then my boss (I work in childcare) said that it is way too long for the kids and that they will want to come home (my mom lives 8 hours away). I am so confused and nervous and worried, but I think we are going to try it and my mom understands that if they act homesick or scared that she will bring them home! If it is just me acting that way, they will stay :)! So, I guess I think a week is OK, even if it is some distance since we did it last year when the kids were 2.5 and they do still talk about how much fun they had at Grandma’s last year!
I think you’re right to try it, as long as your mom can bring them back if things get to difficult for them. I mean, you’ll never know unless you try it, right? Besides, I think that a little bit of homesickness is okay and normal, but if the kids are really freaked out for an extended period of time, well, that’s another. I’m sure that they will have a good time…maybe they won’t even want to come back. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
It depends on your kids and the grandparents.
I have one son and he went camping with his grandparents for 3 days when he was 2 years and he didn’t care that I wasn’t there, he had such a great time he didn’t want to leave! At 3 years old we let him go to Colorado (we live in Cali) to visit his other Grandma and Grandpa for a week. He had a ball- all he can talk about is going back to Colorado and visiting his Grandparents again…
I am planning to send him to my parents for a week this summer and I’m sure he will love it. (they live close)
My son is very independent and enjoys spending time with his grandparents.
Both his grandparents are very active and take him to the zoo, camping, hikes, and train rides…
I don’t feel bad letting him stay with them for a week during summer while I’m working. I know he is having a wonderful time and bonding with his grandparents.
Hi!
My baby is gone right now and I miss her tons! I’ve been trying to seek advice on this particular issue. My daughter is 1- she just turned 1! Her grandma took her back to her home in another state, 5 hours away and this is the second week. I was definitely hesitant but I knew that they would not stop bugging me about it if I didn’t let my daughter go for a couple of weeks,. They don’t get it and my bf doesn’t understand, I feel like my daughter is soooo young and she’s so far away. Let me mention that when my daughter was only 3 months old – they took her for a week too! Yes my baby was only 3 months old!!!!! Every time I try to voice my feelings about this – I’m made out to be the bad one, the one that can’t see that grandmas needs time too but I’m her mom!!!!!
Since she is away right now, they were going to take her on a mini 3 day trip and guess what? Nobody told me anything about this until I said I was going to pick my daughter up and her grandma said “don’t come we won’t be back till Wednesday” which is a three day trip! Omg!!!!!! They should have told me if they were going to take my child somewhere!! I deserve to know !!!!! I’m sad and Mad at the same time…
From reading everyone’s posts – I am not crazy!!
I’m sad and mad for you. Listen, as a mom you need sometime to yourself. It keeps you sane and balanced, but taking your child on a trip without talking about it (and getting your approval) first? Not okay. You are her mom. You make the decisions for your daughter. Yes, grandmas need their special time with their grandchildren, but there are limits. You are not crazy. At all.
I am a Grandma. I am disgusted that your mother took your child at 3 months old for a week. This disrespects your rights and role as a mother and is out of line. Completely. Frankly I am so mad about this that if I were you I would distance myself from the grandparents who have no respect for you and your child to take her places without notifying you. I was here looking for info on whether or not it would be detrimental to my granddaughter to take her for a week. She could get lonely for her mom and I would not want that for her. She is two and able to pull my by the hand to show me what she wants. She can not communicate that well, but she surely is intelligent enough to know when her mother is missing out of the picture. My granddaughter adores me, enjoys me, prefers me because I love her dearly and have time for her. But in a deeper way she loves and needs her mother even though mommy is preoccupied with an infant, and even though she is tired.
Not to be pushy to you, but you need to get a backbone and stop your mother from pushing you around. Your child at 1 is very young to be away from you for that long of a time with a manipulative, disrespectful grandma. You need to get that backbone because your child’s emotional security depends on it. When I read your post I just couldn’t understand how a mother of a child would not have the backbone to say no to something that is wrong. If you can not stand up against your mothers manipulation for yourself, then at least stand up for the sake of your child’s welfare. Your instincts were right. It is not okay to take someone else’s child, the bond a mother has with a child, and ignore it. A Good Grandma knows this.
If your mother was sensitive to you, then I would not worry about your baby, but since I see that she doesn’t care about the feelings of her own daughter, how is she going to come to the calling of caring about the feelings of her baby grandchild?
Hi Suzanne! Thanks for stopping by! I’m guessing that your comment is actually directed at Linda’s comment post (rather than the original post) because in my original post my kids hadn’t get gone to grandmas house for any extended period of time…BUT I agree with your outrage. Thank you for taking the time to voice your feelings and providing guidance to another reader.
I spent all my summers with my Grandparents in the middle of Littlerock Ca. I had none of my friends, my brother stayed home, I was only able to choose a few of my Barbie things to play with. My Grandparents were old and I did nothing. I would spend the days just being alone so alone. sometimes we would go to town and I would be able to get a toy from the toy store. My parents and brother would come up on the weekend and would leave without me. It was horrible and I never got to ask my parents WHY? I have a 20 yr old and I never send him away, we did MOM’s summer camp and a few days a weekend camp when he was older Band Camp of which he loved but that was it! I wish today I could ask my MOM what did I do to deserve such trauma in my life. I was only 7 years old and I went there until I was about 13 yrs old and finally said NO! then I went to a week long bible camp in the middle of the Mountains and cried all the time, hated that also. If my parents loved me so much then why did they send me.? Away. to this day I think of those times, alone in the desert nothing to do all day. My Mom would write me letters, crazy, I truly think she was a bit crazy and could not handle me? but the truth is gone and I have to live with the memories of summer alone in the desert.
Oh, that’s horrible! Although it’s no excuse, maybe your mom was overwhelmed by motherhood and 2 kids? Maybe she thought you were having fun with your grandparents? Either way, I’m sorry that you had such a bad time over the summers and I’m glad that you made sure not to do the same thing to your son.
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Hello Deary,
My case is quite different, its so long but i will try to keep it short. I live in Malaysia with my husband who is working there and we are planning to move to Australia for my husband to pursue his P.hd, which means we have to gather all the income we have for us to move, to be sincere we are all tired of staying there because its not an English-speaking country and other reasons. I have a 3 year old daughter who still can’t talk much, but I can say she is quite independent, though is a little clingy to me. Me and hubby decided that for us to quickly raise money to move, I needed to work also, until now i have been a stay-at-home mum because as a foreigner, the only jobs available for non-I.T experts like me are marketing or call center jobs which are odd hours. So hubby and I decided to leave our daughter in care of her grandmother who by the way is just 53 and recently retired so i can work a while, (1 year maximum) and support our family. I feel very terrible and people make me feel worse when i tell them she is with her grandmother for the time being. Even though I know I needed to work odd hours to support my hubby and beside to also strengthen our bond because we never really had time for ourselves and our relationship almost hit the rock. I just feel like life gave me an option to choose between my child and my hubby and i know no woman wants to ever be in that position. I know she is doing well with her grandmother, i speak to her most times but i just can’t help but feel bad and ashamed that i shifted my work to someone else. I needed to pour out my mind, am really sorry for the long text.I feel a bit better, though still got a lot on my mind.If you have any advise for me. Thanks