Oh, the lies we tell…

I feel that this post may need a bit of a warning.  If you are easily offended, this might not be the post for you.  A long time ago, I too may have been offended at the mere idea of lying to children.  No longer.

It started out simple enough.  One day I just couldn’t stand the thought of watching one more minute of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (or “Ninnie” as Greenleigh calls it) and suggestion of Elmo made me ill.  The high pitched voices, the singing for every and any reason, the blinding colors…I was done.  At that point I would have much preferred to gouge my own eyes out with a dull object.  I genuinely try to limit the amount of television Greenleigh watches, but occasionally I need to use it as a distraction so I can finish getting ready for work, eat, or attempt to clean up my house (just so she can wreck it again).   Ninnie is also a champ at get her through an entire nebulizer treatment for her asthma, a feat that I alone cannot accomplish.  The problem is that one episode doesn’t even come close to quenching her appetite for her favorite characters.  Before they even get to the closing song, she is jamming the remote in my hand, and asking to watch another episode.  She wants more Ninnie.   Time for a few white lies.

Greenleigh: Ninnie?

Me: No honey, we can’t watch Minnie because she is sleeping.

Greenleigh: Elmo?

Me: No, Elmo is sleeping too.

Okay, obviously not the truth, but I’m talking about a red puppet and a cartoon mouse, so how “true” can it really be anyway?  Plus, it didn’t seem to phase her in the slightest.  We would both agree that both Ninnie and Elmo were in “night-night”, and 2 seconds later she would ask for them again.

Then one day it just got out of control.  We just got tired of giving the same excuses over and over again and started getting creative.  She isn’t really listening to us anyway.

• No honey, we can’t watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse right now because there was a sale at Macy’s and Donald went to go buy some pants.  Why is everyone okay with him regularly walking around half naked anyway?  Mickey may be half dressed, but at least he wears pants.
• No honey, we can’t watch Elmo right now, Elmo got deported.  He is red and furry.  Sure he lives in New York, but where is he really from anyway?  He was caught without proper papers and is awaiting transport.
• No honey, we can’t watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse right now, Goofy has a drug problem and had to go to rehab.  He is named “Goofy” after all.
• No honey, we can’t watch Minnie right now because Mickey ran away with Elmo – in flagrant disregard to trademark integrity – and they are on their way to Vermont for a small family only ceremony (I heard it was lovely).  Minnie is still picking up the pieces.  Seriously, how could she not have seen that one coming anyway?

Of course, Greenleigh has no idea what we were saying and it only prompted more and more requests for Minnie, Mickey, and Elmo.  [Insert heavy sigh here]

For those of you thinking that this is going to backfire on us, you are probably right.  I just can’t wait to get a call from daycare asking me why my 2 1/2 year old used the word “deported” in a sentence.