Finally Free of the Fear

At my 37 week appointment last Thursday, my midwife had my records copied and told me to keep them in my purse, “just in case you go into labor” she said.  I laughed.  Me?  Go into labor on my own?  Not going to happen.  Greenleigh needed to be virtually pried out and Hazeline needed some coaxing.  “I am most definitely not going into labor on my own”, I assured her as I grabbed the envelope of records and threw it into the depths of my purse.

But with that action came a realization – If I went to the hospital now with signs of labor, they wouldn’t stop it.  It’s time.  I could be a mom of 3 kids any day now.

As I drove into work that morning I started thinking about all the ways that this pregnancy has been different.  I mean, it’s normal for all pregnancies to be different, right?  From the little things like this child being more of a turner than a kicker and his failure to have a single episode of hiccups, to the bigger things like his undeniable love of protein, this pregnancy has definitely been different than my others.  And then I realized the biggest thing that was missing in this pregnancy – Fear.

That fear that I battled every day with my other two pregnancies doesn’t exist with this one.  It’s gone.

Now, I’d hate for you to think this fear was the typical, “Oh my goodness, how am I going to do it all” type of fear, because it was so much more.  I’m almost positive that I was actually battling some sort of pre-partum depression/anxiety (yes, it actually exists), but I was too scared to tell anyone.

With Greenleigh, I was terrified of labor.  There was absolutely nothing I could do about it – it was most definitely going to happen – and yet the thought of it brought me to tears.  I regularly cried in my car on the way to and from work.  I had full blown panic attacks.  My heart would race.  I would wake up in cold sweats.  I battled insomnia.  Most women are thrilled when they get the call to come in for an induction (especially when they are nearly 42 weeks pregnant), but I cried.  Which of course, is extra odd when you consider that Greenleigh was very much planned and how happy I was to get pregnant.

With Hazeline, I was still scared of labor, but knew I could it.  Instead, I battled with the idea that I had ruined this perfect little family we had created by daring to add another child.  Day after day, I would worry (and cry) that maybe we had done the wrong thing.  Perhaps we were trying for too much.  Maybe I couldn’t handle it.  After all, one child was pushing the limits of my sanity.

But this time?  No fear.

Do I worry?  Sure.  Our lives are going to be chaos for a while, and as someone who thrives on routine and the status quo, that’s going to be insanely hard.  I worry that I might never sleep again.  I’m concerned about holding it altogether.  Getting the kids to school in clean clothes that somewhat match may be difficult for a while.  Dinner might not get made regularly – or at all – for quite some time.  And our house will be even more of a wreck than it normally is.  But those are just worries.

That fear that I allowed to rob me of my ability to enjoy my last two pregnancies?  Gone.

I wish I could give you reasons why this fear has dissipated or ways that I was able to beat it, but I can’t.  I just know that I can handle this.  Maybe I’ve just seen too much at this point.  Maybe I just don’t have time for the fear this time around.  Maybe I spent all the time I could spend being scared, early in this pregnancy when we weren’t sure if we’d even be parents in October.   Maybe I have a false sense of security by surviving the last two pregnancies, labors, deliveries, and infants.  I genuinely don’t know.

Whatever it is, this time around, I’m fearless.