My last week of work in December I had this plan to make double chocolate chip truffles for my office. In order to make the truffles, all I needed to do was go to the grocery store. Simple enough. I picked up the majority of the ingredients over the weekend, but couldn’t find mini chocolate chips or melting chocolate at the store where I was doing my shopping. I knew that my normal grocery store carried them, so I figured I could make a trip during the week.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…they all passed with one reason or another why I couldn’t make it to the store. My last hope was Thursday. I decided that I would go to the grocery store on my way to pick up the girls from daycare that evening, that way I could be done shopping before getting the girls. Nothing could possibly go wrong…except there was a major accident, exactly at the intersection where the grocery store is located. It backed up traffic for miles. And I was stuck in the middle of it, almost in tears that I couldn’t go to the grocery store.
I picked up the phone and called my husband, who had no idea why not being able to go to the grocery store was such a big deal. He offered to go to the store for me, but in the end, the ingredients for the truffles weren’t really the issue.
At the time of that phone call to my husband, going to Target had been on my to-do list for at least 6 weeks. There were brand new clothes in my closet that I’ll never wear, because I didn’t have the time to go return them to the store within the return period (or anywhere close to it, so as to feign surprise about the return period and maybe have them take pity on me and allow me to return them late). And the last time I had my hair highlighted was July. That was probably also the last time I had it cut. The list goes on and on.
For the weeks and months leading up to that night, I might have looked okay on the outside (with the exception of the now extremely present roots, no longer covered by my highlights), but it would be fair to say that felt like the walls of motherhood were closing in on me. I didn’t have so much as a minute to myself to do the things that I wanted or needed to do without the presence of a daycare pick up deadline or an 8pm bedtime looming. I felt smothered by my responsibilities and obligations as a mom. I hate saying that, but it’s true.
On the average work day, I wake up, get myself ready for work, get the girls ready for school, drive them to school, then go to work, only to turn around, race to pick the girls up, take them home, make dinner, put them to bed, and collapse. Only to eventually pry myself up to tidy the house and ready for the next day, only to collapse again and try to get enough sleep before Hazeline (a.k.a. “The Rooster”) gets up way too early in the morning. Lather, rinse, repeat for 5 days straight. There’s no time for me during the work week.
I fill my weekends with taking the girls to dance class, attending outings with our mommy group, and going places that the girls like. When they nap, so do I, because I’m exhausted all. the. time. There’s no time for me during the weekends. And for the most part, I’m okay with that, because when you tally up the actual waking hours that I spend with my girls during the work week, the number is astonishingly low. Embarrassingly so. I feel like I need to make up for it on the weekends.
Of course, the natural solution is to incorporate the kids into the things that I need to do. To make them a part of the shopping I need to do or bring them to the salon with me. I know, lots of moms have this mastered – they take their kids everywhere with them and enjoy beautiful mommy & child moments doing it. I applaud them. Really, I do. But those aren’t my kids.
My kids are the ones that are happy to roll around on the floor of Walmart, Target, or CVS (and sometimes all of the above, on a bad day) if they don’t get what they want. And shrieking in public is their most favorite thing ever. Attempts to discipline them, no matter how discrete, get the side eye. Don’t discipline them and I get a bigger side eye. Honestly, taking them with me isn’t an option because it’s just too much trouble. Too much judgment. Too much work. I can’t handle it. I mean, I can run into and out of a store, picking up an item or two – fine. But to get anything done? Yeah, that requires them to be somewhere else.
On that December night, I realized that something had to change. Suddenly it hit me how unbalanced my life was and that something needed to change. I love my kids and want to spend all the time I can with them, but I can’t keep living in a world where I don’t have a minute to myself. My kids may come first, but I still exist. There are things that I want to do, that I need time to do.
So over the holidays, I debated how to handle the situation. I really need one day to myself to plan our menu, run errands, do grocery shopping, do laundry, and make sure that I get to the hair salon every now and again, but unfortunately, working 4 days a week isn’t an option right now. And leaving the girls with my husband for a few hours often leads to him getting overwhelmed and me coming home to a house that’s a mess, only for him to be exhausted and want to take a nap immediately. While my time away may be a stress reliever, coming back home isn’t.
The only viable option I could come up with was to have a sitter come in once a month for a few hours, so that’s what we’re going to try…for now. I say for now because I’m uncomfortable with the idea of missing more time with my kids and I’m open to reconsidering this option if my kids suddenly ditch the habit of rolling on the floor of public places and shrieking hysterically in confined spaces for no apparent reason.
If you can’t tell, I feel terribly guilty about the decision to leave my kids with a sitter on a regular basis so I can find some time for myself. But I also can’t keep living in a world where I don’t have time to myself to do the things that I need to do to keep my house running. Or just things I want to do, like get my hair done. So this is the answer for now, as imperfect as it is. Hopefully it will bring some balance to my life where it wasn’t before.
How do you find balance? How do you make time for yourself when you have small kids?
I take time to go to the gym. I put them in the kids club for an hour – put on my music and sweat. I need it for my sanity.
I have known people who are really gung-ho attachment parent types. They won’t even give up their kids for five minutes to go the bathroom. I just don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they can live. It’s so stressful to loose yourself in the process. I just don’t think it should be that way. It’s not natural.
As a working mom, I feel your pain. I can leave my husband with my little one, but I feel guilty. My solution? I take vacation days for just me. Grocery shopping gets done with my daughter and hubby on Sunday’s, we bring snacks, and she samples deli meats and breads and cheeses. We go right around lunchtime, before naptime. My daughter is 20 months, so right around Hazeline’s age. We also have a cleaning lady come 2 times a month. And a date night once a month out of the house.
I don’t know if this is possible, but I don’t take a lunch at work, so I get out an hour earlier than I would, and go home, walk the dog and cook in peace and quiet before getting her from daycare. Also, just a few hours away every so often helps. A pedi here, a hair appt there…
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on this somewhat personal post.
Actually, my work is part of the problem. What was once a flexible job is now far from it – and it gets worse everyday. In fact, two summers ago, Greenleigh had a gym class on Monday nights at 6pm. In order to be there, I needed to leave at 4:45 (instead of 5:15), so I talked to my boss about it. He grumbled, so I agreed to work through lunch. He grumbled some more, so I agreed to come in an hour early. And then after he agreed, he gave me a hard time about leaving every. single. time. It was awful. And last week when the daycare called to tell me Hazeline was throwing up and had a fever, I went in to tell him I was leaving and apologize and he rolled his eyes at me. So as you can see, leaving early isn’t an option. Vacation requests are hard too. I won’t work here forever, but now isn’t the time to make a change either. Everything in time, I suppose.
I think “me” time is very important! I think it is wonderful that you are setting that goal!! I am not a mother, but am a sister who has had the wonderful opportunity of hanging out with my nieces and nephews when my sisters went out for their own “me” time 🙂 I hope your me time is wonderful!
I totally know how you feel. Although I only have 1 child, I seem to have verrry little ‘me’ time. Whenever the time comes that I am in dire need of some ‘me’ time I will get off work at noon and head to the spa to get a quick massage.
I’m really glad I found your blog! It’s nice to find other working mothers out there that are going through similar experiences as me. I look forward to your posts in the future :).
♥ Talia
http://rubytiaradiaries.blogspot.com
I think ‘me time’ is absolutely important for you to be able to care for your family (and yourself). This is my ‘one word’ for 2013 – Me. Quickly followed by deligating;-) (You can check my blog for the Me post)
Its actually hard to write this because most people are brought up to put others first, almost all the time. As a mom of three children ages 5 years and under, our home is crazy-busy and we usually collapse into bed exhausted every night, only to do it all again the next day. I completely get the guilt you must feel after not being with your children all day, but you need to find a few minutes for yourself (even hiding in your car on a lunchbreak;-)
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on this post. Sometimes I write for advice, others to share fun/good times, and other times I write for me because I just need to get it out there. It’s something that I need to put out into the universe, in case another mom is feeling that way and feels alone. This was one of those times when I needed to get it out and figured if no one commented, that was perfectly fine…and yet people have been very supportive. I wasn’t sure they would be.
You are absolutely right – we as people, but more importantly as moms, are told that we have to put everyone else first all the time. I guess that I just want to explain to them sometimes that I need to be a person too. I changed when I had my kids, but I didn’t disappear. It’s not selfish to want a little time here and there, it’s healthy. And yet, when I tell people that a sitter is coming to my house on Sunday to watch the kids (in offline situations), people roll their eyes.
Oh, and your “me” post is fabulous!
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